Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

Well, it’s been a while since I posted anything… But I recently and unexpectedly felt like to paint again some of my Polaroids. Planing on a big piece as well soon….

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I don’t believe that’s something I should change about myself. I fall in Love, some would consider too easily. But I don’t think it’s true as for me a initial sentiment of love or crush is something that happens rarely, with a certain type of person. And boy, when it hits, does it feel nice! I never feel so vulnerable, afraid, desperately excited and alive, than when I fall in love. Of course Love is a changing and evolving thing. But you can be in love for 5 minute or 5 decades, it doesn’t matter; Love is still Love.

I’ve been very moved by the movie “The Danish Girl”, I literally cried for 2 days. I felt close to the couple dealing with something that nobody else but them could understand. I guess it made me reflect about my own sentiments of being permanently misunderstood by everybody, even people I dearly care about. I listened to the soundtrack while painting, which put me in a state of nostalgic happiness.


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I recently met a young man who taught me what the term Ghosting meant. I wasn’t familiar with it and I still don’t really understand it to be honest. I will never understand people’s lack of courtesy toward someone you’ve been very close with, even if it was only for a couple nights.

I didn’t expect it, I was happy being unattached and alone for the first time in a long time. I was reading Ted Hughes’ Birthday Letters with a glass of wine at the Immigrant bar while waiting for him. This was just another kill time evening for me. Once upon arrival he sat down and we started talking without pauses, I was very caught into the coldness of his eyes and his smile. Something secret and sad at the same time about his person made me intrigued and charmed. On our way to another bar he suddenly grasped my hand, pulled me toward him and kissed me. I felt surprised and a little scared as that reminded me of someone who used that same charm on me once and broke my heart not once but twice. But I felt so exhilarated I chased away the bad thoughts and then, loosing track of the number of drinks I had, did not want to let go of these lips of his.

We went home of course, his touch felt new yet familiar. I’ll never forget the way he held me afterwards. It was that kind of embrace I felt only with a couple men before, where I felt like I could stay in these harms forever because it felt so comfortable and reassuring.

He came over a second time only a couple days or so later… He came to visit the studio where I was working. Then we spend part of the afternoon together. I was so excited to see him again after he left I couldn’t control my emotions.

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I know I can be a bit overwhelming, but I’m French, and I’m a romantic. I fly off the handle easily when I feel a strong connection with someone.  And that wasn’t just because he was a pretty boy, he was also an amazing artist whose work touched me in a way no other person I dated before managed to inspire me. I’m usually disappointed when I see people’s work… We had a lot in common. And I don’t think I’m crazy when I say I’m sure he felt it too, I don’t think he expected it either, and he was definitely not ready for it. I always am. I keep my heart open because I always feel like waisting time is such a shame when you feel genuinely strong about someone for no reason. And knowing all can be abruptly stopped tomorrow with death so heavy upon us these days in regards of the latest world events. Who knows how long we will have on this earth? I think too many young people feel immune to death, and when they realize what they missed it’s already too late.

After a few weeks of enthusiastic exchanges but no time to schedule anything, I suddenly got no answers at all. Weeks went by before I bumped into him. It didn’t felt anodine. I wasn’t expecting to get a meeting at his workplace or to work for a couple week around the corner on a project. I didn’t want him to come up with excuses why he hadn’t call. He’s got things going on, I get it. I’m not a idiot. It’s a shame because it doesn’t matter much to me if he didn’t want anything serious. I just let myself get excited about getting to know him better and if anything, he reminded me of a friend with whom I had lost of drama and ups and downs, but who ultimately remains my close friends after 8 years… Aren’t elusive boys so dramatic themselves?

Now I keep singing to myself that little song;

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

You told me once dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between us
But now you’ve left me and you love another
And you have shattered all my dreams”

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If I never see him again, at least he will have provided me an inspiration for the Love’s a Bitch series I didn’t have in almost 3 years.

“What happened casually remains -”

~D

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I didn’t get around to finish that one for a while, but here it is; Against the Tide.

I was trying to capture that moment right after orgasm when you fall asleep almost instantly in each other’s arms. Exhausted. You drift sometimes for a bit but in your mind everything is blurry. And the last thing you see is your lover’s lips, closed eyes, and that fine line between their neck and their shoulder.  Usually it’s also the first thing you see as you wake up, still entangled.

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It’s a beautiful moment, a moment however that cannot be shared (at least for me) with just anyone. I come from a romantic culture, where we’re taught about true love, love at first sight and soul-mates. I don’t believe in much, hell I don’t even believe in humanity. But I believe some people’s love can be stronger than anything else, and outlive anything. I believe in loving someone more than your own life. Just like I hope most people love their children.

When someone you deeply love tell you they don’t love you, it scraps a little bit of your soul off, and it leaves an empty void in your chest. You feel betrayed by these moments that meant something more than usual to you, and your trust toward that person is chattered.

I’ve been advised not to think about the person who caused me pain. Recently for some reason I cannot get them out off my head. Every morning, every night, they bounce around in my brain and I’m assailed by sharp memories. Every time I close my eyes I see their face and their smile slowly fading away. It came to a point where I decided not to fight it anymore. Just like the tide, the memories get high and bring tears to my eyes. But just like the tide, they also withdraw, and leave at peace for a while. Eventually It won’t come as high anymore and it will remain a calm sea of fond memories.

I’m thinking of ending the series soon. I often wonder if some of the pain would go away if I sold them all and they were taken away. I could also burn them all. But I think it might just end up morphing into something else.

till soon ~

– D

Here are a couple of Polaroids set, some Portraits and some Body parts.

the no bodies

I do portraits once in a while, it’s always hard to nail someone’s expression but I think I did a good job here. For this set I was interested in juxtaposing my 3 most recent lovers and see if I see something different about them. And I have to say it’s quite interesting… I’m obviously attracted to a specific type. What strikes me the most in the features are the eyes.

On a fun note, those three together make a PhD…. Does that mean I graduated? I sure still over-think everything. However those relations brought me to a point in my life where I know where I stand, I know what I need and won’t be so trusting nor kind anymore. It’s sad when being “too giving” becomes a burden and a source of pain. But then again I’m known for being good at making work about the feel of being lost and misunderstood. So maybe my curse as an artist is not to be able to be careless enough, but on the up side it allows me to create intimate and honest work.

BodiesI’m very happy about how these 2 turned out. When you fall asleep or awake next to your lover you always take time to gaze upon their bodies, you try to memorize every line, every beauty spot. It’s one of those rare peaceful moment where you can meditate and do not think about anything but the present moment, and the body lying next to you and how much you care about them.  At least for me.

I should do more of those body parts, they translate well the nostalgia and melancholia of lost loves.

till soon…

~ D

I’ve been thinking about pushing further the Polaroids recently graphically without shocking. Show the most intimate moments without being overly pornographic. Real sex is nothing like pornography anyway. And when it’s done right with someone you care about it’s just something else.

Sexuality has been so banalized these days it’s sad to see people treating sex on the same level as eating a piece of pie. I personally privilege quality over quantity. And with the right partner you should have sex every single day. Different partners every week and casual fuck can never bring one to a level of comfort were both partners can be fully enjoying each other’s body. It’s however not that easy to find suitable sexual partner. If you’re honest about it.

Polaroid set of 3

 

Sex is all about trust, without trust you can’t fully give yourself to another person and thus have a fulfilling experience. Some guys however develop enough skills to make girls feel trusting and then abuse of that trust, which is just wicked. And vice versa for women who manage to manipulates men using sex. But I have to admit it is quite a skill some people develop.  It’s not sincere of them but then again honesty seems to become a more and more rare virtue just like romanticism.

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I’ll shut up now and let you ponder on this, much more Polaroids coming…

~ D

Here are a couple of larger Polaroids I did a few months ago, an all nighter as I recall just drinking and painting.

Henry Miller said “There are only 3 things that can be done with a woman; you can love her, suffer for her, or turn her into literature.”

What about us non lesbian women artists? I realized reading this quote I’ve been doing just that using my romantic adventures as direct inspiration for my paintings. You can love a man, suffer for him, or turn him into an art piece. Ironically I think I need to go through the 2 prior stages before I can finally paint someone. At least some good came out of all these “meaningful casual” relationships. Although I’m probably just being more honest with myself than the men in my life. I rather be accused of “giving too much” or “loving too much” than anything else.

This made me ponder on the gender issue. When a man has a Muse and creates a piece of art it’s normal, but when a woman does have a male Muse she quickly gets labeled as “crazy” or “obsessive”.  It’s unfair but it’s in the collective subconscious somehow. I don’t think Dali’s wife ever complained to be in every single one of his late paintings. Men are rarely comfortable with being a Muse. Maybe it’s simply pride? I’d think a passionate man wouldn’t mind and would respond with more creativity and love toward his artist companion.  I’m open to a debate if anyone has insights on the male side. I think it all depends on how you look at it.

I personally love taking photographs and videos in the attempts to grasp certain intimate moments so I can remember them later in my life. In the illusion I might preserve these moments forever. Although a lot of pictures I took only remind me of how much I’ve lost. I live with nostalgia but I don’t regret any of it. Nor do I regret to have captured any of these moments on film. After a while, they become something new you look at with a romantic eye. I love to work from photography but my best artwork are based purely on memory. As I live, I tell myself; “This, right now. His face, his expression, is beautiful. I want to capture that moment as I would with a camera, I want to capture this sensation”. This is how I managed to sketch and draw intimate moments that only my eyes saw, that only my heart felt. Sometimes it’s like an out of body experience, as I try to remember it. I can see us from a distance and create a composition from it.

Black Bath Heart of DarknessI’ll close with a quote from Henry Miller;

Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such”

~ till next time…

Here is a Sample of some of the latest Polaroids, all made in a slate blue tone… I love that color. Slate blue is a warm blue, which is paradoxical for a cold color. I long for warmth in these arch winter times…

Blue slate reminds me of the summer time on this winter day.

“Vertigo; (from the Latin vertō “a whirling or spinning movement”) is a type of dizziness, where there is a feeling of motion when one is stationary. The symptoms are due to a dysfunction of the vestibular system in the inner ear. It is often associated with nausea and vomiting as well as difficulties standing or walking. There are three types of vertigo: objective; subjects, are moving around the patient. subjective; patient feels as if moving himself. Pseudovertigo; intensive sensation of rotation inside the patient’s head.”

There is a feeling of Vertigo taking over us sometimes when we’re being hold by someone we care about. The ground seems to open under your feet and you get the feeling you’re falling into a void. You’re filled up with doubts and questions you’re too scared to ask. It makes your head spin. Some of us maybe enjoy to much the darkness of it all, the thrill of the unknown… The excitement of uncertainty…
Human being are complicated.

till soon…
-D

Here is the latest illustration for LIAB; “Deep in the Snow”. It’s cold out there and all I want to do is stay in and paint… Today’s post will have special contributions from  Ashok Nayar.

""deep

“As the first flowers begin to bloom, and the sky begins to clear, I find myself musing on one of life’s most irrational of pursuits. Love. For what would man be without such a pursuit? The fulfillment of life comes with the completion of love, and the self-reflection of oneself in another. It is often the inherent insecurity of man that leads us to find humility in the most abstract feelings this obscure world has to offer. {…} For while love may be the greatest gift given to man, it is also, truly, our greatest sin.”

_ Ashok Nayar; “the Clarity of the Dark Night”.

Till soon!