Posts Tagged ‘nyc’

Well, it’s been a while since I posted anything… But I recently and unexpectedly felt like to paint again some of my Polaroids. Planing on a big piece as well soon….

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I don’t believe that’s something I should change about myself. I fall in Love, some would consider too easily. But I don’t think it’s true as for me a initial sentiment of love or crush is something that happens rarely, with a certain type of person. And boy, when it hits, does it feel nice! I never feel so vulnerable, afraid, desperately excited and alive, than when I fall in love. Of course Love is a changing and evolving thing. But you can be in love for 5 minute or 5 decades, it doesn’t matter; Love is still Love.

I’ve been very moved by the movie “The Danish Girl”, I literally cried for 2 days. I felt close to the couple dealing with something that nobody else but them could understand. I guess it made me reflect about my own sentiments of being permanently misunderstood by everybody, even people I dearly care about. I listened to the soundtrack while painting, which put me in a state of nostalgic happiness.


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I recently met a young man who taught me what the term Ghosting meant. I wasn’t familiar with it and I still don’t really understand it to be honest. I will never understand people’s lack of courtesy toward someone you’ve been very close with, even if it was only for a couple nights.

I didn’t expect it, I was happy being unattached and alone for the first time in a long time. I was reading Ted Hughes’ Birthday Letters with a glass of wine at the Immigrant bar while waiting for him. This was just another kill time evening for me. Once upon arrival he sat down and we started talking without pauses, I was very caught into the coldness of his eyes and his smile. Something secret and sad at the same time about his person made me intrigued and charmed. On our way to another bar he suddenly grasped my hand, pulled me toward him and kissed me. I felt surprised and a little scared as that reminded me of someone who used that same charm on me once and broke my heart not once but twice. But I felt so exhilarated I chased away the bad thoughts and then, loosing track of the number of drinks I had, did not want to let go of these lips of his.

We went home of course, his touch felt new yet familiar. I’ll never forget the way he held me afterwards. It was that kind of embrace I felt only with a couple men before, where I felt like I could stay in these harms forever because it felt so comfortable and reassuring.

He came over a second time only a couple days or so later… He came to visit the studio where I was working. Then we spend part of the afternoon together. I was so excited to see him again after he left I couldn’t control my emotions.

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I know I can be a bit overwhelming, but I’m French, and I’m a romantic. I fly off the handle easily when I feel a strong connection with someone.  And that wasn’t just because he was a pretty boy, he was also an amazing artist whose work touched me in a way no other person I dated before managed to inspire me. I’m usually disappointed when I see people’s work… We had a lot in common. And I don’t think I’m crazy when I say I’m sure he felt it too, I don’t think he expected it either, and he was definitely not ready for it. I always am. I keep my heart open because I always feel like waisting time is such a shame when you feel genuinely strong about someone for no reason. And knowing all can be abruptly stopped tomorrow with death so heavy upon us these days in regards of the latest world events. Who knows how long we will have on this earth? I think too many young people feel immune to death, and when they realize what they missed it’s already too late.

After a few weeks of enthusiastic exchanges but no time to schedule anything, I suddenly got no answers at all. Weeks went by before I bumped into him. It didn’t felt anodine. I wasn’t expecting to get a meeting at his workplace or to work for a couple week around the corner on a project. I didn’t want him to come up with excuses why he hadn’t call. He’s got things going on, I get it. I’m not a idiot. It’s a shame because it doesn’t matter much to me if he didn’t want anything serious. I just let myself get excited about getting to know him better and if anything, he reminded me of a friend with whom I had lost of drama and ups and downs, but who ultimately remains my close friends after 8 years… Aren’t elusive boys so dramatic themselves?

Now I keep singing to myself that little song;

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

You told me once dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between us
But now you’ve left me and you love another
And you have shattered all my dreams”

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If I never see him again, at least he will have provided me an inspiration for the Love’s a Bitch series I didn’t have in almost 3 years.

“What happened casually remains -”

~D

I reached 350 Polaroids, after the last post I felt I was done with the Polaroids series. Here is the last Polaroid #350.

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I was trying to grasp that peculiar moment that happened last summer, when the person you  love finally let go of their doubts and fears and take a risk to tell you how they feel. It’s always hard to be true to your feelings, understand them, and even more, express them. It can be so hard sometimes to let the words out because you’re so scared of the person reaction. Or you’re self conscious about the consequences of those words. But when the fear is gone, there is just that incredible sense of unique completion, complicity and warm, that only someone you truly love can give you.

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I actually cried a lot when I was done drawing those two. I feel at the end of my rope when it comes to the Polaroids. I’ve been doing all these as a sort of outlet for my sorrow, and it allowed me to capture moments that won’t pain me so strongly in a year from now. I’m therefore glad I managed to capture them. But I’d like to not feel the need to do them anymore. And I thought those were a perfect way to end it.

I know I could do another 50 and have 400… But as of now, I’d like to focus on getting all these in galleries, the 350 are meant to be shown and sold as ONE unique piece and I have a body of work important enough that now I feel the need to get it out there and try to sell it. I’m currently working on making limited lifesized print of a collage of all the polaroids.

I’m a little sad it’s the end of an era, 3 years, almost 4, working on this series. But I’m excited about the next stage.

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Now it doesn’t mean the end of Love’s a Bitch. Just the Polaroids. I’m thinking of taking things into a new direction. I’m starting working on a new project called “Love at War” which seems a logical route. It’s an idea for an epic animated tale, for all audience. But I’m thinking of making “deleted scenes” where we could see the two main characters get intimate. What if cartoon characters had sex? I always wondered… I’m sure there is porn out there available for that but I’d like to keep it erotic and just more about love than “just” about sex.

till next time….

~D

 

Here is a comparative study of a finished large Polaroid vs the original pencil drawing;

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More and more I feel like the pencil should be shown next to the pilling up finished Polaroid. There is a line that gets lost in the painting process. Which is a shame, but isn’t it un-avoidable?

I also realized, silly me, that I should always scan the finished painting before the last gloss, because even though the gloss once dry sorta makes the color deeper and nicer when I scan it there is this shine I cannot get rid off….

here is the finished Polaroid, as you can see it shines. I was happier with the overall light on this one.

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And the entire original pencil drawing.

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For those wondering I always start drawing with a color pencil in blue, purple or orange to block out the composition before going over it with an HB pencil. Then it’s off to the tracing table, where you usually loose the original line…

The drawing is a preserved memory of one of those warm summer night spent dancing till the sun rise, worrying about nothing but the present moment, looking at the floating lights and trying to see faces in the dark, being blind and mindless and in love.

I’ve been listening to a lot of classical music tonight and remembered how much that stuff really grabs my insides, so I’ll end up the post with the adequate lyrics excerpt from Strauss’s four last song, “At Sunset”;

We have through sorrow and joy
gone hand in hand;
From our wanderings, let’s now rest
in this quiet land.

Around us, the valleys bow
as the sun goes down.
Two larks soar upwards
dreamily into the light air.

Come close, and let them fly.
Soon it will be time for sleep.
Let’s not lose our way
in this solitude.

O vast, tranquil peace,
so deep in the evening’s glow!
How weary we are of wandering—
Is this perhaps death?

~ till next time

– D

 

Here is the second largest Polaroid I’ve ever made, it’s 18 by 24″, I actually couldn’t scan it all. It’s Called “party Life” after that song from the Mighty Hannibal. It was inspired by one of those endless night in Brooklyn in August 2013.

Party Life

I’m slightly agoraphobic so I get anxious when I end up in a crowd with less and less space to move around. I need to grab on whomever I’m with to reassure myself I won’t be swallowed by the wave of people around me. I’ve been able to control it but sometimes it’s really hard. If I don’t loose myself dancing, which is hard if there is a lack of space, I just stand there and look around. As a French proverb says “La nuit tous les chats sont gris” (at night all cats are grey); night scene is interesting and sometimes surreal when you look at it with an outsider’s eye. Everybody is hiding in the dark, faces becomes homogeneous, it’s sometimes suffocating and claustrophobic.

When I see someone I actually know and recognize while I’m lost in the dark is for for me a relief that overwhelms me like an awesome wave. Being in those places sometimes requires to go in as a pack of wild animals watching for each other’s back. Plus being a lone woman in a club is never good nor recommended, you feel like a lamb surrounded by hungry wolves.

More large and small Polaroids coming soon….

till next time

~D