Posts Tagged ‘love’

We’re only 20 once, and looking back, I understand why they say it’s one of the best time of your life. You’re full of hope about your future, there are tons of wonderful experiences ahead of you that you cannot even imagine. I wish we never lost that childlike sense of wonder we have when we’re 20. For most of us, it’s a time we haven’t been corrupted yet, it’s a time where we’re still naive and only at the entrance of that maze called adulthood.

A young friend of mine asked me if I could add him to the series. He’s a beautiful and kind hearted young man, he’s like a little ray of sunshine everywhere he goes. I hope he never looses that sweetness. Unfortunately with age and bad experiences, life can turn that sweetness into bitterness. Life is never as easy as we imagine it’s going to be when we’re 20. There will be joy, there will be pain, but ultimately it builds you into the person you are. Your core will never change. But experience will make you different in many ways.

I’m 29 now, and when I think of me in my 20’s,  I smile and can’t believe how much I’ve changed. I’ve always been a mature and a goal driven person,  but I used to be so much more easily offended and naive back then.  I think I changed the most when I was between 23 and 25. Lots can happen in a year or two. The years go by fast, and if I can give one piece of advice, it would be; “Make it count”. Use your time wisely, because the energy  and passion we have at that age is pretty unique. When comes failures and disappointments along with successes we set for ourselves, it becomes harder and harder to put that incredible energy into everything we do.

So to my young friends I’ll say this; live, work as hard ans you can, but enjoy every moment, even the tough ones, one day you will look back on them and smile. Because you will have learnt so much from it. Love as much as you heart can carry, there is no reason to hold back when we’re young and far from any obligation of settlement. And even though that’s something I wish never had to change. Eventually society’s forces up to ask ourselves these stupid questions once we reach a certain point in our lives; “Am I ready for a lifetime with that person? Do I make enough money to have a family? Am I ready for this?”

I wish we never let our young idealism go, when we love and do things with spontaneity, without care for the future. I think we should never let it burden us. Of course we need to be responsible and being ingenue doesn’t mean you can act selfishly all your life.

When I was 20 I used to be very annoyed with people my age. Now I look at them with a motherly affection and much more patience than I had even a couple years ago. I can excuse a lot from someone in his early 20’s. They’re still children in my eyes on so many levels. But I’m no so forgiving with people in their 30’s. Ironically we live in a society were most men are nothing but 35 years old boys.

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There is that wonderful French song that defines perfectly what it’s like to be when you’re 20. I remember when I listen to it back then I didn’t really understood the words, not as clear as I see them now as a 29 year old adult.

“For all burden, you have twenty years behind you.
When you Love, it’s for a Lifetime
That Life that last the time of a cry

When you love it’s till Death
You often die, then you go out
You go smoke a cigarette
Love you take it, and then you junk it”

I feel like I died many times in the past 10 years, we are reborn every year with each new experience. With a new outlook on life, with great joy, and great pain. We learn to be alone. With time, everything fades, it’s perfectly ok and fine. But That’s why it’s so important to seize these moments and never be afraid of taking risks, especially with your emotions. Because all can be gone so abruptly. Everything will be gone eventually.

With time, the faces, the tenderness, the bitterness, the excruciating pain, the laughs, the tears… with time they all dissipate, and everything becomes fine…

till soon~

D

 

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Here’s the final watercolor for “Sweet Dreams of You”. Stole the title from that Pasty Cline song.

Movies have a great influence on my life, including my attraction to people. After I spend a couple times with that boy I mentioned in my last post, I felt like he reminded me of someone, a friend pointed out which actor and thus I re-watched the movie HICK featuring a young gimp with a very peculiar face and a beautiful smile. I was surprised of the resemblance and remembered I was fascinated by the boy in that film when I saw it a few years back. So it’s no wonder I would have a big crush on someone who looks just like him. Me and so many others I’m sure. Now, said actor is one of the most popular young actor of the past few years but I only realized that after I dated that boy, ironically. I think subconsciously I always try to make my love life as dramatic as in the movies I watch.

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The first night we spent together, when the lights went off I really though I saw that boy from the film, which made me smile with excitement. I’m not sure that’s a good thing for him though, living in the shadow of someone the same age with such renoun and career. I imagine it must be quite frustrating to be told everyday you look just like that famous person. We always want people to see and love us for what we are, not what we represent.

Then again he didn’t give us a chance to get better acquainted, I’ll never be sure why, there could be a million reasons. The simplest of them all is that he was just looking for a hook up. The difficulty about dating in NYC is that boys have so much opportunities to date beautiful girls without feeling the need to commit to anything they tend to forget we’re not just a toy they picked up and can put back on the shelf without causing damages. I fear people never want to be held responsible for hurting others, on the account we shouldn’t care or be too sensitive. But I personally think that if you’re going to use someone for your only personal needs you should know the risk of deeply upsetting them. You’re being rude, there is no rationalizing it. I never treated anyone with disrespect and I never get involve physically with someone if I sense I might hurt their feelings because I just don’t feel strong about them. Of course men are different. I doubt they have much going through their heads when they’re just trying to get in your pants.

 

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I made that drawing trying to seize that moment which felt very intense to me because I hadn’t felt that comfortable with someone in a little over a year. It makes me sad thinking he probably plays the same charm game with every girl he meets. It’s so stereotypical and I guess I wanted him to be different from most boys I had met for the past year, with whom I had fun hooking up but never really felt like they were interesting beyond their physical appearance. Or we simply truly had nothing in common, so it wasn’t difficult for me to ignore them and not feel upset if they didn’t reach out. With him I felt there were something different, and I was so excited about discovering more about who he was, no matter how the relationship would turn out to be; that I didn’t hold back or played games like the custom here dictates. Again he probably felt nothing special and that’s what’s most upsetting. Makes me feel like nobody will ever understand truly how I am and accept me the way I deal with things, which I know can be too bold and overwhelming, especially for Americans who were taught expressing feelings is a form of weakness and notions of romance are only things we were lied about in films.

But then again there’s nothing more beautiful than feeling vulnerable. I know I hardly knew him, but I felt like I could love him. Don’t get me wrong I feel that way more often than you could think, then it just take me a couple of weeks to figure out if that feeling will last or not. That is if the person lets me in. So my moto is why hold back when you have a strong first feeling since for all you know, it might only last a week?

 

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I’ll close up on that song (which happened to be in a key moment in the movie Hick) which I’m probably going to always associate with that boy I will never see again;

“Sweet dreams of you
Every night I go through
Why can’t I forget you and start my life anew
Instead of having sweet dreams about you
You don’t love me, it’s plain
I should know I’ll never wear your ring
I should hate you the whole night through
Instead of having sweet dreams about you
Sweet dreams of you
Things I know can’t come true
Why can’t I forget the past, start loving someone new
Instead of having sweet dreams about you”
Till soon ~
D

Well, it’s been a while since I posted anything… But I recently and unexpectedly felt like to paint again some of my Polaroids. Planing on a big piece as well soon….

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I don’t believe that’s something I should change about myself. I fall in Love, some would consider too easily. But I don’t think it’s true as for me a initial sentiment of love or crush is something that happens rarely, with a certain type of person. And boy, when it hits, does it feel nice! I never feel so vulnerable, afraid, desperately excited and alive, than when I fall in love. Of course Love is a changing and evolving thing. But you can be in love for 5 minute or 5 decades, it doesn’t matter; Love is still Love.

I’ve been very moved by the movie “The Danish Girl”, I literally cried for 2 days. I felt close to the couple dealing with something that nobody else but them could understand. I guess it made me reflect about my own sentiments of being permanently misunderstood by everybody, even people I dearly care about. I listened to the soundtrack while painting, which put me in a state of nostalgic happiness.


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I recently met a young man who taught me what the term Ghosting meant. I wasn’t familiar with it and I still don’t really understand it to be honest. I will never understand people’s lack of courtesy toward someone you’ve been very close with, even if it was only for a couple nights.

I didn’t expect it, I was happy being unattached and alone for the first time in a long time. I was reading Ted Hughes’ Birthday Letters with a glass of wine at the Immigrant bar while waiting for him. This was just another kill time evening for me. Once upon arrival he sat down and we started talking without pauses, I was very caught into the coldness of his eyes and his smile. Something secret and sad at the same time about his person made me intrigued and charmed. On our way to another bar he suddenly grasped my hand, pulled me toward him and kissed me. I felt surprised and a little scared as that reminded me of someone who used that same charm on me once and broke my heart not once but twice. But I felt so exhilarated I chased away the bad thoughts and then, loosing track of the number of drinks I had, did not want to let go of these lips of his.

We went home of course, his touch felt new yet familiar. I’ll never forget the way he held me afterwards. It was that kind of embrace I felt only with a couple men before, where I felt like I could stay in these harms forever because it felt so comfortable and reassuring.

He came over a second time only a couple days or so later… He came to visit the studio where I was working. Then we spend part of the afternoon together. I was so excited to see him again after he left I couldn’t control my emotions.

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I know I can be a bit overwhelming, but I’m French, and I’m a romantic. I fly off the handle easily when I feel a strong connection with someone.  And that wasn’t just because he was a pretty boy, he was also an amazing artist whose work touched me in a way no other person I dated before managed to inspire me. I’m usually disappointed when I see people’s work… We had a lot in common. And I don’t think I’m crazy when I say I’m sure he felt it too, I don’t think he expected it either, and he was definitely not ready for it. I always am. I keep my heart open because I always feel like waisting time is such a shame when you feel genuinely strong about someone for no reason. And knowing all can be abruptly stopped tomorrow with death so heavy upon us these days in regards of the latest world events. Who knows how long we will have on this earth? I think too many young people feel immune to death, and when they realize what they missed it’s already too late.

After a few weeks of enthusiastic exchanges but no time to schedule anything, I suddenly got no answers at all. Weeks went by before I bumped into him. It didn’t felt anodine. I wasn’t expecting to get a meeting at his workplace or to work for a couple week around the corner on a project. I didn’t want him to come up with excuses why he hadn’t call. He’s got things going on, I get it. I’m not a idiot. It’s a shame because it doesn’t matter much to me if he didn’t want anything serious. I just let myself get excited about getting to know him better and if anything, he reminded me of a friend with whom I had lost of drama and ups and downs, but who ultimately remains my close friends after 8 years… Aren’t elusive boys so dramatic themselves?

Now I keep singing to myself that little song;

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

You told me once dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between us
But now you’ve left me and you love another
And you have shattered all my dreams”

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If I never see him again, at least he will have provided me an inspiration for the Love’s a Bitch series I didn’t have in almost 3 years.

“What happened casually remains -”

~D

I reached 350 Polaroids, after the last post I felt I was done with the Polaroids series. Here is the last Polaroid #350.

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I was trying to grasp that peculiar moment that happened last summer, when the person you  love finally let go of their doubts and fears and take a risk to tell you how they feel. It’s always hard to be true to your feelings, understand them, and even more, express them. It can be so hard sometimes to let the words out because you’re so scared of the person reaction. Or you’re self conscious about the consequences of those words. But when the fear is gone, there is just that incredible sense of unique completion, complicity and warm, that only someone you truly love can give you.

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I actually cried a lot when I was done drawing those two. I feel at the end of my rope when it comes to the Polaroids. I’ve been doing all these as a sort of outlet for my sorrow, and it allowed me to capture moments that won’t pain me so strongly in a year from now. I’m therefore glad I managed to capture them. But I’d like to not feel the need to do them anymore. And I thought those were a perfect way to end it.

I know I could do another 50 and have 400… But as of now, I’d like to focus on getting all these in galleries, the 350 are meant to be shown and sold as ONE unique piece and I have a body of work important enough that now I feel the need to get it out there and try to sell it. I’m currently working on making limited lifesized print of a collage of all the polaroids.

I’m a little sad it’s the end of an era, 3 years, almost 4, working on this series. But I’m excited about the next stage.

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Now it doesn’t mean the end of Love’s a Bitch. Just the Polaroids. I’m thinking of taking things into a new direction. I’m starting working on a new project called “Love at War” which seems a logical route. It’s an idea for an epic animated tale, for all audience. But I’m thinking of making “deleted scenes” where we could see the two main characters get intimate. What if cartoon characters had sex? I always wondered… I’m sure there is porn out there available for that but I’d like to keep it erotic and just more about love than “just” about sex.

till next time….

~D

 

I didn’t get around to finish that one for a while, but here it is; Against the Tide.

I was trying to capture that moment right after orgasm when you fall asleep almost instantly in each other’s arms. Exhausted. You drift sometimes for a bit but in your mind everything is blurry. And the last thing you see is your lover’s lips, closed eyes, and that fine line between their neck and their shoulder.  Usually it’s also the first thing you see as you wake up, still entangled.

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It’s a beautiful moment, a moment however that cannot be shared (at least for me) with just anyone. I come from a romantic culture, where we’re taught about true love, love at first sight and soul-mates. I don’t believe in much, hell I don’t even believe in humanity. But I believe some people’s love can be stronger than anything else, and outlive anything. I believe in loving someone more than your own life. Just like I hope most people love their children.

When someone you deeply love tell you they don’t love you, it scraps a little bit of your soul off, and it leaves an empty void in your chest. You feel betrayed by these moments that meant something more than usual to you, and your trust toward that person is chattered.

I’ve been advised not to think about the person who caused me pain. Recently for some reason I cannot get them out off my head. Every morning, every night, they bounce around in my brain and I’m assailed by sharp memories. Every time I close my eyes I see their face and their smile slowly fading away. It came to a point where I decided not to fight it anymore. Just like the tide, the memories get high and bring tears to my eyes. But just like the tide, they also withdraw, and leave at peace for a while. Eventually It won’t come as high anymore and it will remain a calm sea of fond memories.

I’m thinking of ending the series soon. I often wonder if some of the pain would go away if I sold them all and they were taken away. I could also burn them all. But I think it might just end up morphing into something else.

till soon ~

– D

Here is a comparative study of a finished large Polaroid vs the original pencil drawing;

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More and more I feel like the pencil should be shown next to the pilling up finished Polaroid. There is a line that gets lost in the painting process. Which is a shame, but isn’t it un-avoidable?

I also realized, silly me, that I should always scan the finished painting before the last gloss, because even though the gloss once dry sorta makes the color deeper and nicer when I scan it there is this shine I cannot get rid off….

here is the finished Polaroid, as you can see it shines. I was happier with the overall light on this one.

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And the entire original pencil drawing.

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For those wondering I always start drawing with a color pencil in blue, purple or orange to block out the composition before going over it with an HB pencil. Then it’s off to the tracing table, where you usually loose the original line…

The drawing is a preserved memory of one of those warm summer night spent dancing till the sun rise, worrying about nothing but the present moment, looking at the floating lights and trying to see faces in the dark, being blind and mindless and in love.

I’ve been listening to a lot of classical music tonight and remembered how much that stuff really grabs my insides, so I’ll end up the post with the adequate lyrics excerpt from Strauss’s four last song, “At Sunset”;

We have through sorrow and joy
gone hand in hand;
From our wanderings, let’s now rest
in this quiet land.

Around us, the valleys bow
as the sun goes down.
Two larks soar upwards
dreamily into the light air.

Come close, and let them fly.
Soon it will be time for sleep.
Let’s not lose our way
in this solitude.

O vast, tranquil peace,
so deep in the evening’s glow!
How weary we are of wandering—
Is this perhaps death?

~ till next time

– D

 

Here are a couple of Polaroids set, some Portraits and some Body parts.

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I do portraits once in a while, it’s always hard to nail someone’s expression but I think I did a good job here. For this set I was interested in juxtaposing my 3 most recent lovers and see if I see something different about them. And I have to say it’s quite interesting… I’m obviously attracted to a specific type. What strikes me the most in the features are the eyes.

On a fun note, those three together make a PhD…. Does that mean I graduated? I sure still over-think everything. However those relations brought me to a point in my life where I know where I stand, I know what I need and won’t be so trusting nor kind anymore. It’s sad when being “too giving” becomes a burden and a source of pain. But then again I’m known for being good at making work about the feel of being lost and misunderstood. So maybe my curse as an artist is not to be able to be careless enough, but on the up side it allows me to create intimate and honest work.

BodiesI’m very happy about how these 2 turned out. When you fall asleep or awake next to your lover you always take time to gaze upon their bodies, you try to memorize every line, every beauty spot. It’s one of those rare peaceful moment where you can meditate and do not think about anything but the present moment, and the body lying next to you and how much you care about them.  At least for me.

I should do more of those body parts, they translate well the nostalgia and melancholia of lost loves.

till soon…

~ D