Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Here’s the final watercolor for “Sweet Dreams of You”. Stole the title from that Pasty Cline song.

Movies have a great influence on my life, including my attraction to people. After I spend a couple times with that boy I mentioned in my last post, I felt like he reminded me of someone, a friend pointed out which actor and thus I re-watched the movie HICK featuring a young gimp with a very peculiar face and a beautiful smile. I was surprised of the resemblance and remembered I was fascinated by the boy in that film when I saw it a few years back. So it’s no wonder I would have a big crush on someone who looks just like him. Me and so many others I’m sure. Now, said actor is one of the most popular young actor of the past few years but I only realized that after I dated that boy, ironically. I think subconsciously I always try to make my love life as dramatic as in the movies I watch.

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I remember him mentioning people often told him he looked like Eddie Redmayne. I’m not sure that’s a good thing for him though, living in the shadow of someone the same age with such fame and career. I imagine it must be quite frustrating to be told everyday you look just like that person who succeeded everywhere you failed. We always want people to see and love us for what we are, not what we represent.

Then again he didn’t give us a chance to get better acquainted, I’ll never be sure why, there could be a million reasons. The simplest of them all is that he was just looking for a hook up. The difficulty about dating in NYC is that boys have so much opportunities to date beautiful girls without feeling the need to commit to anything they tend to forget we’re not just a toy they picked up and can put back on the shelf without causing damages. I fear people never want to be held responsible for hurting others, on the account we shouldn’t care or be too sensitive. But I personally think that if you’re going to use someone for your only personal needs you should know the risk of deeply upsetting them. You’re being rude, there is no rationalizing it. I never treated anyone with disrespect and I never get involve physically with someone if I sense I might hurt their feelings because I just don’t feel strong about them. Of course men are different. I doubt they have much going through their heads when they’re just trying to get in your pants.

 

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I made that drawing trying to seize that moment which felt very intense to me because I hadn’t felt that comfortable with someone in a little over a year. It makes me sad thinking he probably plays the same charm game with every girl he meets. It’s so stereotypical and I guess I wanted him to be different from most boys I had met for the past year, with whom I had fun hooking up but never really felt like they were interesting beyond their physical appearance. Or we simply truly had nothing in common, so it wasn’t difficult for me to ignore them and not feel upset if they didn’t reach out. With him I felt there were something different, and I was so excited about discovering more about who he was, no matter how the relationship would turn out to be; that I didn’t hold back or played games like the custom here dictates. Again he probably felt nothing special and that’s what’s most upsetting. Makes me feel like nobody will ever understand truly how I am and accept me the way I deal with things, which I know can be too bold and overwhelming, especially for Americans who were taught expressing feelings is a form of weakness and notions of romance are only things we were lied about in films.

But then again there’s nothing more beautiful than feeling vulnerable. Someone once wrote “I know I hardly knew him, but I felt like I could love him”. Don’t get me wrong I feel that way more often than you could think, then it just take me a couple of weeks to figure out if that feeling will last or not. That is if the person lets me in. So my moto is why hold back when you have a strong first feeling since for all you know, it might only last a week?

 

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I’ll close up on that song (which happened to be in a key moment in the movie Hick) which I’m probably going to always associate with that boy I will never see again;

“Sweet dreams of you
Every night I go through
Why can’t I forget you and start my life anew
Instead of having sweet dreams about you
You don’t love me, it’s plain
I should know I’ll never wear your ring
I should hate you the whole night through
Instead of having sweet dreams about you
Sweet dreams of you
Things I know can’t come true
Why can’t I forget the past, start loving someone new
Instead of having sweet dreams about you”
Till soon ~
D
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Well, it’s been a while since I posted anything… But I recently and unexpectedly felt like to paint again some of my Polaroids. Planing on a big piece as well soon….

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I don’t believe that’s something I should change about myself. I fall in Love, some would consider too easily. But I don’t think it’s true as for me a initial sentiment of love or crush is something that happens rarely, with a certain type of person. And boy, when it hits, does it feel nice! I never feel so vulnerable, afraid, desperately excited and alive, than when I fall in love. Of course Love is a changing and evolving thing. But you can be in love for 5 minute or 5 decades, it doesn’t matter; Love is still Love.

I’ve been very moved by the movie “The Danish Girl”, I literally cried for 2 days. I felt close to the couple dealing with something that nobody else but them could understand. I guess it made me reflect about my own sentiments of being permanently misunderstood by everybody, even people I dearly care about. I listened to the soundtrack while painting, which put me in a state of nostalgic happiness.


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I recently met a young man who taught me what the term Ghosting meant. I wasn’t familiar with it and I still don’t really understand it to be honest. I will never understand people’s lack of courtesy toward someone you’ve been very close with, even if it was only for a couple nights.

I didn’t expect it, I was happy being unattached and alone for the first time in a long time. I was reading Ted Hughes’ Birthday Letters with a glass of wine at the Immigrant bar while waiting for him. This was just another kill time evening for me. Once upon arrival he sat down and we started talking without pauses, I was very caught into the coldness of his eyes and his smile. Something secret and sad at the same time about his person made me intrigued and charmed. On our way to another bar he suddenly grasped my hand, pulled me toward him and kissed me. I felt surprised and a little scared as that reminded me of someone who used that same charm on me once and broke my heart not once but twice. But I felt so exhilarated I chased away the bad thoughts and then, loosing track of the number of drinks I had, did not want to let go of these lips of his.

We went home of course, his touch felt new yet familiar. I’ll never forget the way he held me afterwards. It was that kind of embrace I felt only with a couple men before, where I felt like I could stay in these harms forever because it felt so comfortable and reassuring.

He came over a second time only a couple days or so later… He came to visit the studio where I was working. Then we spend part of the afternoon together. I was so excited to see him again after he left I couldn’t control my emotions.

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I know I can be a bit overwhelming, but I’m French, and I’m a romantic.  I always am ready for something real. I keep my heart open because I always feel like waisting time is such a shame when you feel genuinely strong about someone for no reason. And knowing all can be abruptly stopped tomorrow with death so heavy upon us these days in regards of the latest world events. Who knows how long we will have on this earth? I think too many young people feel immune to death, and when they realize what they missed it’s already too late.

After a few weeks of enthusiastic exchanges but no time to schedule anything, I suddenly got no answers at all. I was mad at myself because I just let myself get excited about getting to know him better.

Now I keep singing to myself that little song;

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

You told me once dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between us
But now you’ve left me and you love another
And you have shattered all my dreams”

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If I never see him again, at least he will have provided me an inspiration for the Love’s a Bitch series I didn’t have in almost 3 years.

“What happened casually remains -”

~D